Allume is 2 weeks from today. The official day it begins anyhow. For the team and me, this one weekend has been over a year in the making. I imagine that for God, it’s been in the making longer than that. And that fact alone makes me super excited.
We stole away this past weekend. I had too much work to really leave, but I left anyhow because I knew it was the last chance my family would get this month. I always love to steal away to the mountains…it does something for my soul. Time with dear friends does something for my soul. Slowing down and having tea while we watch our kids roll down a hill 57 times does something for my soul too. And no matter how many things we have on our plates at any given time, that soul care bit….it matters big… lest we drop all the plates and end up in a soppy, crying mess on the floor somewhere.
I know I keep saying it, but I miss blogging frequently. Pouring into relationships and running Allume well matters to me much, and when time is short, sadly these days (the past year if I’m honest), my blog is the first thing to scoot over to make room for margin. Margin is part of soul care.
I want you to know though that I’ve been writing! And ya’ll, I’m working on a book!!! I have worked for months on a proposal (which for the record is WAYYYY harder than I’d have ever thought) and I finalized it with my literary agents this past week! So now… there are pieces of me in official writing samples out there, and some giant prayers that if the Lord wants these words out there (and I believe he does), then it’s a let’s-see-what-happens as my agent shares it with several publishing houses.
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I had a breakthrough moment in the past month.
I went to see my sister who had a new baby at the end of the summer. A sweet little girl. My first niece. My parent’s first granddaughter. Baby Virginia…or Deejeena as my 2 year old nephew says.
And I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I wasn’t a tad nervous to go. Of course I was excited to see my sister and her family, and snuggle a new baby, but I was nervous too that I’d feel jealous of that perfectly healthy little girl. Remember when my Fisher died? It’s been 2 1/2 years, but that baby girl still has footprints on my heart, and I was nervous that all those feelings of wanting would come rushing back and eat me up in sad jealousy.
I prayed alot before I went. I was scared that holding that baby would open up a hole in my heart that grew larger with every subsequent loss of my pregnancies. A hole that I just ask the Lord to fill because no other biological baby will now. We made the choice to take that possibility off the table when my husband had “the procedure.” You know the one. I cried when we walked out of the doctor’s office and it had only taken 17 minutes to remove that option from our plates. But the hemming and hawwing and emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on with the baby train the past few years has done a number on us all and we needed to be done. My doctors said I needed to be done. If I tried again, it’d be dangerous for me and a baby. And I have a husband and 2 living children here who need me too.
So all to say, I was nervous about getting to see Baby Deejeena….even mixed with all the butterflies of excitement.
But I had a moment while I was there.
And holding that sweet baby, I felt sad that my time with nursing my own babies was over, but I also felt good too. And I wasn’t expecting to feel that. I felt ok that I’m in a new season, but in this season, as my sister was worn out from mothering a newborn and a 2 year old, I could make her a boatload of chicken pot pies for her freezer. I could help her rearrange 2 bedrooms that she’s been meaning to get to but hasn’t had the time or energy. I can write a book, or go to Africa. I can be home now with my boys doing homeschool, and that new season in itself brings joys. I can encourage new moms and other women walking through things that I’m on the other side of now.
Of course, saying goodbye to a season is hard. And I’m sure the tiny pangs will still come up here and there in dealing with the realization that in some ways my life isn’t at all what I’d expected. But at the same time, realizing that my life isn’t what all I expected is an exciting thing too. In so many ways, there are so many good things that my good God wants to keep a secret from me. He likes to surprise us. He loves to restore us.
And holding Baby Deejeena….well, he just reminded me that so often the very best gifts are the ones we can’t do a thing to manufacture ourselves.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them. – Ps 139:14-16
I’m still being made in secret with the Lord, and his eyes still see all of my days. His works are wonderful, and I’m curious to see what this unexpected life of mine holds.