Four days ago, I waved goodbye to Bangladesh.
I’ve been back for a couple of blurry-eyed days now. Glad to be home, I fell into bed and hardly emerged for honestly almost 2 days. The jet-lag is still kicking my butt today as I get back to my normal life routine of early-morning carpools, fixing lunches, menu planning, and laundry.
Amidst my kids arguing over who-knows-what yesterday, I found myself wondering if I’ll ever get to be a part of such an epic adventure again? I LOVE my life, don’t get me wrong, and I missed it like crazy while I was gone too, but there are moments upon return where this “verbally processing mom” (as my friend Daniel called me) begins to wonder if I’ll ever get to do life so big again.
I want to matter in this life. I want to matter well with the little people around me, and I want to make an indelible stamp on their lives, so that their hearts long for making a big difference too. I want to matter well with my friends and my husband…encouraging and inspiring them to reach higher and farther and deeper. And this past week, I realized that I can matter globally too. I guess I’ve never so much realized my capacity to do that before. To matter big before. I mean, I invest in worthwhile people and causes who are making global impact, but this time it was my voice that the Lord was using to make a difference. And honestly, that feels good. It feels good to think that I can be that instrument of change.
Maybe it’s a good thing? Maybe it’s addictive? Maybe it’s egotistical, or perhaps it’s just a taste of the things that the Lord really does want to use me to do? I don’t really know, but I do know that the things I learned in Bangladesh need to be the things that stand taller to write my story, than my own new-found need for epic-sized matterings. That if I come home and worry more about mattering big again than I do about loving well in my everyday moments, I may have missed the point. If I start to look for the next big thing to focus my attentions on instead of on the next small face in front of me, I’ve lost all that I learned.
I want to matter big again, but the truth is, that we can’t ever learn to matter big if we can’t matter small first.
It’s the readjusting to the small that I think just might prove to be a part of the whole lesson.