I know I’m on a long road to recovery right now, but seems that I’m in for a bit of a do-over…a detour.
To spare you the gory details, the short story is that my body hasn’t exactly cooperated since my D&C. I now have a uterine infection, and I have to go in for another D&C tomorrow. To say “this sucks” is sort of the understatement of the day…or week…or maybe even so far this year.
You think you’re headed one way…hopefully this time back in the right direction…but then, you realize this road isn’t actually what you were thinking. Re-route.
And while this do-over alone is really just straight-up crappy, I thought I’d share a few additionally crappy things. Not just to bitch and moan about it, but because I think it’s maybe helpful to know that even though for most of you this will all be over as soon as I stop writing about it (and realistically long before that,) there are things about a loss that creep into other parts of life that you just don’t think about til you walk it. In an effort to a) be honest about where I am right now, and b) clue people in who really truly want to know how to help…here are a few more thoughts.
Look out…I’m about to go stream of consciousness on you again.
First off, we may not be able to afford the family vacation to Montana this summer that we’d taken off of the calendar because I was gonna be too pregnant, put back on the calendar when we lost Fisher, and now may have to take off again. Two rounds of anesthesia and 2 rounds of the same awful procedure and hours in the hospital are going to put a dent in our wallet. Go figure…they actually want you to pay for this stuff?! And while I’m telling you how bad that stinks, I’m gonna risk really pissing a few people off by saying that I think it sucks that my tax dollars have to go to fund someone’s chosen abortion, but my own same tax dollars don’t cover the SAME FREAKING PROCEDURE that I have to do out of medical necessity. Instead, we just have to sacrifice our family vacation this summer, and that bites. This is NOT how I planned my parenthood people!
And because some of you are too sweet to publically ask or have had to google the procedure (and several have emailed to ask) what a D&C is, here’s a bit of an explanation. The procedure that I actually had last Tuesday is called a D&E…dilation and evacuation. It’s pretty much exactly what it sounds like. The wikipedia link even says that it’s the “2nd trimester method of abortion”, which is especially awful for this pro-lifer who wanted both of my children who have been subjected to this procedure.
It’s NOT the way that God designed for my baby to come out of my body. It feels disrespectful and harsh, and while I know for myself and many others, it’s medically necessary, it’s still a really hard procedure to reconcile doing to someone I love. And while I’m being honest, I just want to say to all of the people out there who in the name of “pro-life” stand on the street corner holding signs with graphic images of “this is what your aborted baby looks like”…you hurt people who would never choose this procedure with your heartless imagery. And for friends of mine who have had abortions and were wrecked by them and it’s a part of their beautiful redemptive stories now too… you hurt them too. What you’re holding up is awful. Have you ever thought of that?! And by the way…the next time I see one of you holding one of those…I’m stopping my car and I’m grabbing your stupid evil-looking sign, and I’m gonna tell you how mean you’re being. Rethink it. That’s what I have to say about that.
And just so you know, tomorrow I’m actually having a D&C…dilation and curettage which is different. More people know what a D&C is though (which is why I originally used that terminology) because it’s a more commonly done procedure than the D&E which is what I had to do first go round. I hope that helps in case you were wondering.
And here are a few other things that are hard.
I read one time that when a person is grieving, people shower you with love and cards and sympathies for about 2 weeks. A few super-sympathetic stragglers and close friends will still ask how you’re doing in the 3-6 week span. But by 6 weeks, your pain has all but been forgotten by the rest of the world.
It’s true. It’s not a judgement…I know I do it too. We don’t mean to, but life gets busy and time passes and we often forget to ask “I know this was the first Christmas without your mom, how are you doing?” or “It’s labor day weekend, Fisher was suppossed to be born this weekend…are you ok?” or “It’s mother’s day and you’ve been trying to get pregnant for 3 years…how can I love on you today?” Truth is…we forget. And for those feeling forgotten…it is just hard. Our lives are forever altered…and noone seems to notice.
I can’t even try to get pregnant again for 3 months after this procedure. Add a miracle of immediate conception to that and a 9 month gestational period, and I’m still not even having another baby for at least a year. Months after when I thought I’d be holding a little one. I’m almost 34…and while in the whole grand scheme, that’s young…I’ve been pregnant 6 times and have 2 kids here with me. I want one more baby, and then I want to take my body off of this yo-yo physically exhausting train known as pregnancy. I’m fat, I’m skinny, I fatten up again, I lose a baby and have to work it off, I’m fat again…then I have a baby and I’m still fatter than I want to be for 4 months (ok…let’s be honest…for a year or more.) My hormones are up and down and all-a-freaking-round and I’m ready to be done. My family isn’t finished, and while we’ve always wanted to adopt and eventually probably will…I want to KNOW when I’m nursing my last baby. I want to know the way it feels for them to practically break your rib when they kick so hard in utero again…I want to know when I’m done and celebrate each tiny last moment.
It’ll be hard at the next baby dedication at church. It was hard in the OB office today where I could hear a baby’s heartbeat on the doppler from out in the hall. It’ll be hard when some of my friends have babies at the same time I was supposed to have Fisher. I’ll still be wholeheartedly happy and thrilled for them, but going to their baby showers will be hard.
I saw a friend’s 20 wk 3-D ultrasound picture yesterday on her facebook…and I cried. I want one of those. I was supposed to have one of those.
I was supposed to be on a fun trip with my kids this week…traveling to DC and Pennsylvania, and then to New Jersey to see my sister and new baby nephew. We were going to visit friends along the way, and see the monuments in DC that my 5-year-old learned about in school. My kids were going to meet their cousin for the first time. And then when that got all messed up and we lost a son and my boys lost a brother, we changed our plans. Detour…let’s still make spring break this week not suck. Let’s go a couple of hours away and visit my parents and our friends who will be in town from Montana for a few days. Let’s have a couple of friends over here for Easter Sunday lunch and have a mini-party because I love to host things and it’ll feel more normal and Easter is the best reason of all to have a party! Let’s get to feeling better because Monday is my sweet husband’s birthday. Let’s pick out the good things coming up and focus on those.
I’m trying here. I really am. It’s that stupid game of 2 steps forward and one step back. It’s maddening and unfair and [email protected]#&ed up. This isn’t the way it was supposed to be! Not just for me….for humanity….for all of you…all of us. UGH!
I am the devotion writer for Allume, a christian women’s conference and community, and I tell you what…it’s been hard to write devotions lately! But I have to be honest and say, that in all of this mess…the Lord is showing me SO much. And because I started writing about it with you all here, and because I need to come up with something spiritually profound to say every Monday, the Lord has been forcing the issue of my processing. I’m seeing more at a rate that seems faster than normal. I’m digging deeper than I ever have before. And it’s been hard, but it’s been SO good too. So I’ve been processing more of the raw here…because it’s my space to do that….but the Lord has given me some seriously good nuggets that I’ve posted over at Allume the past couple of weeks. HERE is the link to those if you’re curious.
And also…don’t worry that this space is going to become a long-standing, grief and healing driven space. It’s not. That’s not me…to muse about the same junk for ages on end until you and I are both sick of my own life! With all this time in bed, I’ve been having a blast on Pinterest. So if you want to know that my creative juices are still flowing, and the entertainer in me is still there…pop over and follow me for fun in that place. Pinterest is oozing with life! I’m pinning recipes and crafts and home decor that I’m itching to implement as soon as I start to feel better. The really fun, crazy, crafty, silly me is still here….she’s just scratching through this mess to get back into the sunshine to keep LIVING!
So much love and gratitude to all of you for reading, listening, and encouraging. You all rock…seriously. You are full of awesome!