I think I’ve crossed over into some realm of really truly being a blogger….because right now I need to be raw and write, and I need you to read it. Somehow, someday, all I about to say will make sense….but right now it doesn’t.
Today I found out at my 16 week ultrasound that our baby, Fisher, died a couple of weeks ago.
And you know what I’m thinking this time? It’s not profound like with the last one. It’s really more like…
What the hell?!
This is my 4th….FOURTH baby to lose. And it’s the second one that’s made it through the first trimester. Our first one was 11 wks 6 days, our second was 6 weeks, the third was probably 4-5 weeks, and this one measured 15 wks. I have to have another D & C too.
And you know how I feel right now? Pissed. Seriously God….what is up with that?
So if you’ll all indulge me…here are the things I want to say to God right now.
Really?! Seriously?! We’re here again? I mean, I know you’re good…I know it….but what the hell?! Honestly…I don’t know how it was that after 3 previous losses I never worried this time. How, after we found out on Christmas day when I heard you whisper to me “Get up and take a pregnancy test,” and how you told me this baby would be a “fisher of men” and said to name him Fisher….HOW did this happen? WHY did you LET this happen again?
Have I not proven myself faithful enough having walked through 3 others gracefully?! Has my faith to not worry any of these subsequent pregnancies not been enough? Has the ministry and heart I have had for women ever since I lost the first one not been profound enough? Do we really have to go to this sucky well again? Do I really have to have a D & C again? Isn’t there a different thing you can work to redeem in my life?! Do we have to keep redeeming the same awfulness?
And when I had to tell my son tonight…the wails God….the loss of a brother. He felt it all. He knew what it meant and he asked “why did this happen?” And all i could say was “I don’t understand either.” Because you know what God….I don’t. And I’m angry.
I know you’re the giver of good gifts…and I have 2 of those good gifts sleeping just down the hall…but you have 4 others of mine there with you. I know this world isn’t anything when they can have heaven…but can we stop with the tease of life to come?! I know these lives are yours to begin with…but if you’re gonna give life…then intervene for it why don’t you?! You didn’t do this…I know you didn’t because you don’t kill…the enemy does….but you allowed it, and I don’t understand that.
And you know what else…my f***ing clothes don’t fit either. And I puked my brains out for 6 weeks. And now my closet is full of maternity clothes I don’t get to wear…and now I have to go back through all of those bins that I just put away and give my friend, Melissa, all of her cute clothes back because this belly isn’t going to swell with life this summer afterall. So now I’m fat and for nothing. FOR NOTHING!
What are you doing here God? I know there’s shelter under your wing…but is there a freaking leak between your feathers or something, because it’s raining on me Lord….it’s raining. I know you’re good…and i know you’re faithful…and i know you’re trustworthy….but you know what, I don’t want to have a cup of coffee with you right now. I want to drop kick you in the face God. I don’t want to dine at your table, or sit in your shade….because to me right now…there’s a hole in your umbrella and I’m baking here….baking.
And you know what else…life today…it’s not like dessert. It’s like someone took a big fat dump in my cornflakes…and I have to eat every last bite of it. And it tastes awful.
Lord….I know your ways are higher…and I won’t understand this til I’m in heaven sitting at your feet and holding all of these babies myself….but you know what…for now, I just don’t get it. I’m angry, and I’m broken, and I’m using incorrect punctuation because I don’t even give a crap. i just need to say what I need to say and not edit. This is life…unedited.
So friends, here’s what you need to know about me right now. I’m raw. And I’m broken. And I don’t have any good answer, nor am I asking you to come up with one either. So please don’t say things like “this may be better, because what if something was wrong with it?” Or don’t say “He never gives you more than you can handle.” Or don’t tell me about how maybe if I hadn’t lost this one that I might not have had the chance to meet a next one. Because for all we really know, the Lord could be sending us the same kid over and over again and the enemy is afraid because it’s heavenly destiny is so huge he can’t stand the thought of it making it here.
I said to my friend Sarah Mae today that I don’t know why the Lord would tell me this baby would be a “fisher of men” if he’d never be alive to meet any and her wise and comforting words were that Fisher can still touch people even if he’s not here. He’s a part of me and our family…and somehow I ask the Lord to use this, to use him, to use our family and me to fulfill the destiny that he won’t live out here on earth.
And in the midst of my tears and anger and cuss-fest….I have to believe that that’s just what He’ll do.