I got fired.
Really, I think the term that companies prefer to use is to say that I was “Let Go.” Letting someone go makes us feel like perhaps we are simply pushing their ship back from a dock to release them to bigger and better things. You have the whole ocean ahead of you and the directions and possibilities are limitless. You let people go so that you don’t hold them back. Letting go is extending the grace of a sort of freedom.
Getting fired is being released when you didn’t even see it coming.
And if I’m honest there is a freedom in it all, but even the freedom comes saddled with a new trap I’m battling now that seems to walk closely alongside of that “letting go.”
I feel rejected and gutted to my core.
Now listen, my theology is good and solid enough that this doesn’t attack what I KNOW…that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and that the God of all Creation loves me and is pleased with me. I KNOW that Jesus would have died just for me even if I was all that was left to die for. I KNOW in my bones what is true. And I KNOW that is enough.
But right now I’m not questioning what I KNOW… I’m struggling desperately with how I FEEL. And how I FEEL is completely rejected and tossed to the curb.
And the why I’m feeling this way will make sense to some but seem potentially even frivolous and first worldly to others. Because how I FEEL now is linked not to who I am so much as it is to what I DO.
I didn’t really know that I was a writer until a few years ago. I always knew that if I needed to sort something out in my mind or my heart or even in a relationship, that the best way for me to express myself most articulately and thoroughly was to write. You have to sort through things enough to make sense of them when you write. And so while I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing, it seems it is what I’ve always done.
But I’m an extrovert and also a verbal processor, and those things didn’t ever seem to go with “writer” in my mind I guess. Besides, if I was writing, what on earth would I say? I never actually gave it much thought til after I had been doing it for awhile. The point is, it became what I do, but I guess partly now I realize that it is part of who I am. I love words and the way they have the capacity to change everything.
I never meant to write a book. It wasn’t ever a dream, and by the time I was doing it, I was still trying to process what lead up to it. Even though it has spanned the last four years, it still all happened in a blur. More than eighteen months later, I’m just now getting my head around the fact that I wrote a book at all.
But in the midst of those years of figuring out and fighting to process life enough to put it into words that would make sense to others, I guess I discovered pieces of myself that have been somewhat buried over most of my life. And there I found a freedom too.
I signed a two book deal in 2014. My first book took me nearly two years to sort out and put into words that are now bound into pages and sitting on shelves around the country. I turned myself inside-out and upside-down to get those words out and into your hands. And throughout the process, the company I was publishing with was undergoing some major internal changes.
Of course when I signed on, green and bright-eyed as I was, I didn’t even know about those things because they weren’t really in motion at the time. But once the motion began, it has kept going.
The end result is that I was there during the changes and change impacts everyone for better or for worse.
It’s good though, in the midst of change and upheaval, when someone eventually gets their bearings and can right the ship they’ve been sailing on tossing waves. The thing is though, sometimes to right a ship, you have to throw the extra weight overboard.
The Lord brings to mind the story of Jonah. The seas were raging and the ship was tossing, and the men start more or less crying out “How do we make it stop?!” Jonah knows what needs to happen, says to throw him overboard, and so they do, and then the seas calm.
Now Jonah had disobeyed God which made the seas churn around him, but for the sake of my story, we aren’t going to think about that part. To my knowledge here there haven’t been any sins that have brought on the wild seas. Sometimes the wind just blows different directions and chop happens. My point for right now is that sometimes you have to toss out some of the weight that’s messing up the float of the ship in order to right it.
I’m not the ship though in this story… I guess I’m the weight.
For almost 150 years, the publisher of my first book Curious Faith, had focused on publishing resources and church curriculum. In my understanding of their history, trade books, the kind I apparently am writing, are a more recent venture in the company’s long tradition. The short version of the story is that in order to sail most rightly, they have decided to refocus their efforts on curriculum and church resources.
But that makes me dead weight.
And ten days out from turning in the nearly completed version of my second book, they needed to drop the weight.
Now here’s the thing and please let me be clear on this point… nobody here has done anything wrong. I haven’t done anything wrong, and while it feels like complete poop, they really haven’t done anything wrong either. They’re trying to do what is right for them, even if it FEELS wrong to me.
But here is the part that feels SO VERY HARD now. I am just a couple of weeks out from completing a book that I’ve spent an entire year writing, and now I’m sending that offering out to see if anyone else will want it.
These words now are the first ones I’ve really written since I was released almost 2 months ago. I’ve been trying to sort through the feelings so that I can put some of them into words.
But here today, I’m sitting now square in the face of some more very painful rejection. And when I say “facing”, I don’t just mean the potential of it and the fear that looms ahead in a nebulous future. I mean plain and simple, “thank you but no” responses coming back to stomach.
My stomach hurts. It feels like a virus that leaves you in sweats pressing your face into the cold tile at the base of a toilet. Like all the energy you had a little bit ago just violently erupted from your body and now you’re just empty and curled in a ball on the bathroom floor.
It feels like that.
Yesterday I got a rejection from a team of people I highly esteem, a group I’ve known for a few years, and a company that also has a long tradition of solid publishing. They said that they enjoy me personally, like my writing, think the topic of my next book is needed and that I actually live my message, but the hard and honest truth is that my very first book didn’t sell enough copies for them to make me a gamble worth taking.
Maybe I’m not a gamble worth taking. Not their words… mine. Not really my words either… satan’s.
And again, I KNOW…that I am fearfully and wonderfully made and that the God of all Creation loves me and is pleased with me. I KNOW that Jesus would have died just for me even if I was all that was left to die for. I KNOW in my bones what is true. And I KNOW that is enough.
I want to blame the tossing waves of a ship I was sailing in. I want to blame God. I want to blame my own incapacity to be what an industry says is enough, even though my Heavenly Father says I already am. I want to cry and yell and eat all the chocolate candies. I want to be enough.
But this just is what it is and I am desperately soaking in the knowledge that I actually AM enough when I stand before the Lord. Even when the world tells me that there are pieces of me that aren’t enough for them.
I am still enough… because He is always enough. I’ll just keeping saying what I know, because eventually I know I’ll feel it too.
I am enough.
And in case maybe you’re struggling with something as well, keep saying it…reminding yourself that you are enough too.
Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who has made us sufficient to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit. For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. – 2 Cor 3:4-6
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. – 2 Cor 12:9-10
Hoping I can bear your burden with you, Logan, and that it may ease the weight on your shoulders just a bit. I’m sorry. And I love you.
Oh Logan, my heart aches for you because I started down this same road myself only to feel the pressure and stress of it all, so I got out early. I knew I would be rejected at some point. Even at the beginning I felt the weight of expectations from publishers weighing heavy on me. So I decided to forego the traditional route and just self-publish. Honestly it felt freeing. I thought “my book will never end up at the Dollar Tree in the book section now” 😉 But just the other day I was in a bookstore and was thinking about all the thousands of books getting written, and all the competition, and how it really only lasts a few months (years if you’re lucky) and then a new book takes your books place. It put things into perspective for me because I thought about how we get so focused on the books themselves, but when we focus on the people we are reaching – well, the people never go out of style. The people will still be there. The people is who we are trying to reach. You have a huge audience – this news will not cause your audience to be any less than it already is. You still are going to reach people, you are still going to minister – it’s just that God is going to use you outside of the BOX that the company was trying to put you in. Who knows, this could actually be a blessing in some way. I know it doesn’t feel like that now, but just know that doors will continue to open for you whether or not you have this book deal. You have a strong voice that needs to be heart. Keep writing, keep connecting with people as you are doing. You have a pastor’s heart, and no book deal will make you any more effective, believe it or not. These are the lessons I have learned that I hope will encourage you too!
I love this wise encouragement!
This is excellent and not just for Logan. I needed to read this, too. Thanks!
Thank you for this. I was “let go” “downsized” “severanced” whatever you want to call it October 27th. I was offered a job this week at half the pay I was making. I have been struggling with all the feelings about not having value because of what I “do” and you put it all in perspective. I am so sorry for your struggle. And so thankful for your transparency. Sending big hugs and prayers to you!!!!
I too am so sad to hear your news. But I know this sounds soo glib right now, but God will take you through this and it too will be in a book some day!!!! Really. We can’t explain it, but it is the lesson God has for You Today, and you will learn from it, because you always do, you will use it to strengthen your faith, because you Just Will!
So, I am very sad for you, but in the end one day you will see what God’s plan is.
Some grief is so raw that the only consolation is that Jesus has already borne it for us ( Isaiah 53:4). We feel but the tip of the iceberg, and it is suffocating. He took the rest…
Love you; love your story!
I am shocked. And my heart hurts for you. And I feel certain this is not the end of the road for your writing. I believe in you & your words have encouraged me much!
Big hugs, Logan. I’m so sorry. I always enjoy reading your words. And you are certainly enough.
Wow. My heart hurts with yours. This is a lot to navigate.
I do appreciate your vulnerability and perspective. And your honesty is refreshing.
I am praying right now that God will surprise you with provision!
At the very time I am reading your words, they are a simple comfort to me. I’m so sorry this has happened though. Thank you for writing, and trust in Him. He is good.
Hi Logan, I totally empathize with you. After entering corporate America after 18 years of agency life, I was so happy at my job and the work I was doing. All because someone misprojected revenue, I unexpectedly was part of a large downsizing. I have been looking for another position for two and a half months now. The longest I have ever been unemployed. I have felt determined, sad, bitter, hopeful and disappointed in a daily/weekly basis. Just bleh. But tonight I saw the prescreening of the movie I Can Only Imagine, coming March 16, telling the story behind the awesome Mercy Me song and did you know , the lead singer Bart Millard was once told by Nashville that he wasn’t good enough and he’s never make it? The world will tell us that, but we are not of the world. Your next God surprises are just around the bend.
Logan, this is a timely word. This happened to me Oct 30th. I have two jobs, so I’m still working at school 6 hours a day. This was my second job. As you said, I did nothing wrong, they did what they believed was best for the company. Fr two weeks I have been completing seasonal hiring applications. Walking miles to hand out my resumes. It has rained all this last week. Today is our Scholls holiday and I’m taking it from job hunting. Tomorrow I’m going to a ladies retreat on Breakthrough. God is good and I am enough
Ouch! I’m sad for you Logan and I’m so sorry! I’ve heard this happening to more than one author. My parents owned the mom and pop christian bookstore back in the day where things were different in christian publishing companies…contracts were honored…relationships were nurtured etc. I blogged just this week about the day my platform collapsed and how the same verses you quoted about God working through our weakness ministered to me. Let me encourage you, tho, because it was because of Allume that I realized my dream of publishing a book last year. I got in on the last two years of it. I had attended a lot of writing conferences, but never did I attend ones like you led at Allume. The warm hospitality, encouragement and presence of the Holy Spirit surrounded me. I fell in love with Greenville (I’m from Kansas), and it was there that I received my marching orders to write. My study yesterday was about how God allowed Satan to sift Simon Peter…because He had such great plans for his future. I’m praying that God will soothe your heart and refresh your confidence in Him. Finish that book girlfriend…I’ll be the first standing in line to buy it!
I’m so sorry, Logan! I echo what Jaimie Bowman said! Trust Him in the process. He knows how to get you from Point A to Point Z.
I also want you to read this post. There are nuggets of truth in here that apply.
https://stuffofheaven.com/overlooked/
It seems to me that there isn’t a writer who would differently.
{{{hugs}}}
Thank you Logan…the Lord is using you to spread this message….one I need so desperately!!! I feel lost not knowing where to turn after a career in special education, a life of serving, now physically unable to return, but unable to qualify for retirement. Asking agencies for help and they make you feel lesser and undeserving, like you’re doing something wrong when you know you’ve worked your whole life and paid into the system. Coworkers and “friends” forget you when you can’t afford to join in. Then my sister is diagnosed with cancer and passes one month later. Threes other issues too…. A spot in my breast…not diagnosed yet!! I FEEL lost and alone and yet I KNOW I am not!! Thank you for validating my feelings, that even though God’s got this….I feel like crawling up in a ball and giving up!!
I’m praying for God to lift you up Logan and bless you for sharing….and thank God for His perfect timing in my reading your inspiring article!!
Logan, I got fired in January of this year. I have not yet found a new position. It has taken me through so many emotions and a myriad of feelings. Immediately after leaving the building I felt a rush of relief. Afterwards, I did not feel a sense of sorrow, or pitifulness. Instead what I felt was freedom from what felt like chains. My volunteer life took a huge space in my life and I’ve found a new purpose. I have activated almost every contact that I know and can think of. I pray endlessly, and I apply on a constant basis. While I know there is a position out there for me, I can’t help wanting it now as my bank account dictates. Stay positive, pray endlessly, and KNOW God has the perfect job for you in HIS own perfect timing.
I love hearing about your freedom Sharon! Praise the Lord and yes…he is so good and does have the perfect plan for us all! I know it!
I’ve just started reading Curious Faith and am finding it really powerful. Thank you for your raw honesty and your uplifting words. Your book has really touched and encouraged me. I can imagine how gut wrenching it must have been to have yourbook rejected so close to the finish line. From your recent post I gather that your career plans have not yet reached fruition. Although We as Christians know that every single life we impact is significant, in the secular world everything is about metrics, I.e. If you’re not reaching tens of thousands you’re not making an impact. For what it’s worth, your book has impacted me and for that I’m thankful. Let’s trust God that your publishing story is not over yet.
Bonny, thank you so much for your encouragement! Aren’t we all just walking curious through this life trusting that the Lord is good and I don’t need to know what’s ahead beyond him.