My hair is falling out.
And you should know that it’s not like when a few strands come loose here and there, but more of a by-the-brush-full, by-the-handful, falling-out-something-fierce sort of rate.
In fact, I’d venture to say that I have about half the amount of hair that I had a year ago.
You haven’t been able to tell because I’m getting better at hair spraying a piece here and there to cover where it’s thinning on my scalp.
Also, I bought clip-in extensions a few months ago just for fun. I didn’t realize I’d end up wearing them because I felt like I needed them. Mostly I thought I’d get them to be a brunette version of Faith Hill from the “Breathe” music video in 1999. Her hair from that video is still making impressions on me 17 years later.
So much for that plan.
A friend sent me a picture the other day of a super cute haircut that she tried to get (but alas the stylist went a little Edward Scissorhands and cut more than she should have.)
Anyhow, I stared at the picture longer than usual…trying to imagine it with my head and brown hair instead of blonde.
Because as my hair keeps falling out, it’s getting stringy looking being as long as it is.
I haven’t cut my hair off in over 10 years. Aside from trimming to keep it healthy, I’ve been growing this mane basically since I graduated college.
It feels like part of me now.
I know, I know, it’s just hair…but it’s different when you make a choice because you want to versus because something has forced your hand.
The doctors say it’s something called “dermatomyocitis,” an autoimmune disorder that has caused me to wrestle with a horribly itchy skin rash, muscle fatigue, weakness, and hair loss for months. I think I have other words for it. They don’t sound official.
Life, huh?
I cried at the doctor’s office the other day when she told me this stuff isn’t going away anytime soon. I also cried when they made me step on the scale and I’d gained 8 pounds in one month from taking strong steriods to calm the angry rash and inflammation.
So I’m making some lifestyle changes to help address the symptoms, get off of strong meds as much as possible, and more than even those things, I’m sitting before a God who I KNOW is still good and asking Him to show me his kindness and hope in the midst of frustrating junk.
Listen, I’m not asking you to feel sorry for me or to compare your struggle, but I am saying…there is gonna be JUNK that we have to deal with and we can either sit around for days crying about our thinning locks, or dangit, we can look for a new haircut!
If I stop looking for the blessings, if I stop being curious about what God could have for me EVEN IN THIS, then I am certain that I will miss out on pieces of the Kingdom that He wants to show me.
Is my vanity struggling….sure. Do I still avoid brushing my hair for days at a time because I know that every time I do more hair will come out?
Clearly.
But can I allow this present struggle to chart the path forward in my pursuit of God? No.
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God… For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. – Rom 8:18-21, 24-25
Our disappointment does not overthrow the inherent goodness of God. And our present afflictions are not the definers of our faith either.
But how do we move through them? How do we stay curious about what God could be doing when the present does feel crushing in this way or that?
Part of living with a Curious Faith is learning to look at our lives through the clear lens of Christ… even when what we’re looking at feels hard, or scary, or broken.
Because the certainty of our faith isn’t found in where we’re going, but in whom we are following.
So we make tweaks along the way that allow us to focus on WHOM we’re following, not where we are presently walking.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.
-Psalm 23:4-6
French author, Marcel Proust, said that, “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes”…
or maybe even….a new haircut.
***PS. I have a hair appointment in a couple of weeks, so make sure you come back so you can see my new haircut!
***To dig into this and more, my new book Curious Faith: Rediscovering Hope in the God of Possibility releases March 1. And if you PREORDER NOW, I’ve got a slew of fun gifts for you when you go HERE and enter your receipt of purchase!
I’m so sorry you’re in this valley. It’s got to really suck some times. HOWEVER you’re using your platform well. Thank you for reminding us and teaching us how to always search for God’s goodness and blessing in the midst of trials. I cannot wait to get my hands on your book and soak it all in! Your faith, your perspective and your internal joy in the Lord is ever inspiring! ????
While I know it’s not exactly the same thing, I have been breaking out in cold sores over and over again since before October and I can’t figure out why. (I’ve been getting them as long as I can remember, but only a few times a YEAR). I’m beginning to narrow it though but it is extremely frustrating and yes, effects my vanity as well. I’ve changed my diet, but to no avail (turns out I have high cholesterol and low iron so the diet changes are permanent. But like clock work, about every 3 weeks I get 1-3 new cold sores (and they take 2 weeks to go away). It’s frustrating and I’ve prayed and prayed and begged and wondered, what am I supposed to learn here? What do I need to do.
Right now, my conclusion is stress and no rest. So, God has been speaking to me the last couple of months about taking the time to rest. Not just physically, but mentally, because I can be physically at rest, and mind totally active on all-the-things. Anyways…love to you and you’re not alone, friend. xoxoxo
This is a really important question. How do we remain curious even in the funkiness of life? I really love how you have turned this into an opportunity.
I have really stringy hair and have always wanted long, beautiful locks, but I don’t think it is in the cards for me, so I accept how He has made me.
Anyhow, thanks to this post, I am going to start reframing little things into more curious things. Look forward to reading your book!
there are hard seasons in life, ive been walking one for over a decade. but i thought i’d let you know that I simply love you.
My 10 year old son was diagnosed with alopecia, which is an auto-immune disease this last year. He now has no hair anywhere on his body. Not even his sweet eyelashes. It’s been a rough year. We decided not to go the steroid route, because of course, it would enflame a separate disorder of his, and I guess being bald was the lesser of two evils. But we have changed his diet, and he’s on a billion supplements that are pretty customized to his blood work.
So sorry you have to deal with this. It’s no fun. No fun at all. But, as my son says, “Of all the diseases to get, this one isn’t so bad.”
Let me encourage you Logan! I went through the same thing with my hair…not so much the massive falling out, but I just could not deal with the long anymore I am 52…its time!) So I got that haircut exactly….it has been a bit of a struggle to make it mine, but Am so glad that I did it. the change gave me a renewed feeling each day a I looked into the mirror. I’d like to say that I am not vain…but alas I am, and if I don’t feel like I look good..or even decent…I tend to have the worst days. I do focus on being a child of God, and that is by far the best medicine….but now I don’t have to avoid the mirror…which is what I was doing in order to keep focus.
You might also try massaging your scalp in order to encourage blood to that area. and I would definitely avoid ratting and excessive product including hairspray. Finding something that your hair WANTS to do is key really. I know this is probably white noise…but I did go to Cosmetology school once upon a time, and I know the theory. Hairspray clogs pores…ratting causes too much impact….and mental stress kinda does the rest. a woman’s life – yes? Praying for you sister….BREATHE!!
Mine too!
I know You are probably tired of hearing that, but I wanted you to know how much it helped me to hear your story. I feel so alone in this…. Just me and my bald spot praying that the wind doesn’t come up and expose my secret.
Auto immune diseases suck. Thanks for making mine suck a little less today.
Logan, I am SO sorry about this! I don’t think it is silly to mourn losses and changes that are painful. I do think it is great to share your pain and allow people into your humblest places. I admire that you have such a fabulous way of making everything fun…even things that suck the life out of you on the bad days. You are such a spot of sunshine! You bless so many…know that God is glorified by your story and your life! 🙂 ((HUGS!))
I love how real you are in admitting your struggles! Whether they seem trivial or devastating to us, it’s so important to seek Jesus in them all and keep our focus on HIM and not the valley or mountain we’re on.
Logan, thank you for sharing your story. We all have stories. When we think someone’s life looks easier or prettier, it’s only because we don’t know the whole scoop. I’m praying for you tonight. Thank you for how you have blessed my life through Allume. Thank you for sharing Jesus in it all.
I am so happy I found your blog but even more excited to read your book – Congratulations! I’m not sure what made me step back and read over your older post but I feel like I have found a kindred soul….especially with your take on hair loss. I suffer from Lupus or SLE and when the flare starts and the hair falls, I am like a shedding dog. The hair is everywhere – the floor, counters, sinks, shower but my all time favorite is when I shed inside the food and successfully bake a cake with my hair sticking straight out of the top! Thank you for your post….I needed it today as I have been having what I affectionately call a “pity party” as of late over my missing strands of hair. Congratulations again on your book!