I recently watched a fascinating documentary called “Meru” about a small team of elite mountain climbers who set out to climb a peak known as the “Sharks Fin” in Northern India. This particular peak has seen more failed attempts by elite climbing teams over the past 30 years than any other ascent in the Himalayas. But these guys set out to do it anyhow.
The first time they went, they got caught in a storm on the side of the mountain and ran out of food. They didn’t make it to the top.
Not long after the failed attempt, one of the climbers, photographer Jimmy Chin, got caught in an avalanche and somehow, by the grace of God, landed at the foot of the mountain that just crashed down around him on top of the snow.
I don’t know what it must feel like to have a mountain crumble with you on it, but I do know what it feels like to have the journey you think you’re on come crashing down around you. I know what it is to plan to summit something and reel with the disappointment that there’s no way you’ll make it after all.
I started reading my own book last week from the perspective of a reader instead of as the author. It was weird, and I was kinda mad at myself and God when I did. Because my own dang book…words I wrote this very year kept punching me in the gut in what I’m living right now. The Lord used the words He gave me to write to whack me upside the head with truth over the things I’m dealing with right now. And I have to be honest…it was almost a little infuriating. I actually was faced with taking my own advice and hearing truths I need to stomach.
I called my friend Sara and told her maybe I didn’t want to write books anymore if it meant that I’d have to keep doing the hard things…walking through the relentless warfare…crying over the things that keep breaking and making me weaker and weaker as I go along. There, I said it. This journey has been hard, and somewhere in me I know it’s because I did exactly what God wanted me to do and I have an enemy who isn’t keen on having people do that.
Funny thing about writing a book…you live through a bunch of things enough to tell about it, to process it with wisdom, and then somewhere along the way in the recording of it all, the proverbial crap hits the fan and you’re chewing the cud of your own story to overdigestion. Somewhere in there, you think to yourself, “WHAT HAVE I DONE!?! And can I do this all over again? Can I believe this over and over for myself?”
The past few months haven’t gone as planned…AT ALL. What I was planning was to climb Mt Kilimanjaro with One Million Thumbprints when my book launched. I was planning to have all my ducks in a row for 2016 to enter it with health and all the freshness of a new season. What has happened instead though leaves me ordering a Priscilla Shirer study on Gideon because he is the guy the Lord keeps putting in my face. He is the guy who started off for battle with a big army that kept getting whittled down to nothingness…whittled down to stare at impossible odds…whittled down with exhaustion and failure and changed plans…and somehow in all that insufficiency, the Lord showed up and Gideon and his tiny army overcame in an impossible battle.
I’m reading my own book and I’m reminded again that this big, good God I serve isn’t tidy. Life on this earth isn’t tidy. It’s messy and hard and broken and STILL…I do believe the words I’ve lived and written…there is hope to be found. But for crying out loud, it is NOT easy to find it sometimes! I’m rediscovering hope in the God of possibility even now…even after I wrote a book about it. Let the record show that even when God gives you something good to say, He is probably going to punch you in the gut with it shortly thereafter just to make sure you meant what you wrote.
What I’m finding though is that I did mean it. And I am going to relentlessly pursue hope and stay curious about this God who calls me by name.
I’m not climbing Mt Kilimanjaro anymore. I talked to my dear friend Belinda a few weeks ago in tears when I realized that I don’t have margin to properly train and for the first time in my life, my health has been rocky the past few months. My arms presently look like bruised pin cushions after repeated blood work and biopsies and I’m waiting on test results to come in while words like “lupus” are being spoken to me with some measure of certainty. My kids had the stomach bug the week of Christmas and it messed up our plans, and my brother got engaged and scheduled the wedding in China for 2 days before my book launches. It was a week of digesting things outside of my plan…far, far outside of my plan.
I don’t know how it all turns out. I don’t know how it works or makes sense or where it all ends up. And then I read my own words…
“A curious faith is a mobile one. And understanding is an action verb that unfolds before us.” I won’t know it all now. I can’t see it all now, but I can see the One who does and His mercies in the midst of my messy life are new every morning.
“The unfolding of your word gives light and imparts understanding to the simple.” (Ps. 119:130)
I’m faced with the illusion of control and how in his kindness, God allows things to be shaken up so that we trust Him more and subsequently find ourselves deeper in awe of how He restores the untidy things in our lives.
“Untidy” seems like a tame word even…because sometimes the bits of mess really feel like they might be better described with profanity.
So here it is…the rubber of faith meeting the road of living, and I’m pressing on towards the goal in Christ Jesus. And just because the mountain I might be climbing could be called lupus instead of Kilimanjaro, or because I’m course correcting my own plan to follow a journey the Lord is unfolding, I CHOOSE HOPE. And I choose to follow. And I keep believing that the certainty of my faith isn’t in where I’m going so much as in who I’m following.
*For the record, if you’re looking for a kick in the pants, might I recommend my own dang book. At least you know you’re not alone in the trenches of figuring out this thing called Curious Faith…I’m right there with you. It’s available for preorder now HERE.
“Let the record show that even when God gives you something good to say, He is probably going to punch you in the gut with it shortly thereafter just to make sure you meant what you wrote.”
I said almost these very words to my best friend two days ago as I unleashed a whole lot of anger that I’m fighting through as there is so much around me and so many close to me who have mountain sides crushing down on them (and me) and there’s not a dang thing I can do about it. This right after giving a keynote on being thankful for the unlikely grateful things that can just plain stink in life. I’m in the trenches with you right now, my friend. We know Hecis always good and always has a purpose for us. But there are moments that it is literally a fight to believe it to the core.
You will be in my prayers friend. And I so hope you don’t have lupus! My little sis is fighting a tough battle with some auto-immune disorders right now too so that struggle for you in particular strikes close to home for me.
No matter what, you’re still amazing and gorgeous and funny and YOU WROTE A BOOK! So there’s that ????
thank you girl! I tell you what…sometimes I think we can almost know we’re on the right track with the Lord when the things around us start getting hairy! I’m sorry for the struggle you have right now…just lets hold hands and remember that if you’re not proving to be a force for the kingdom, then the enemy usually don’t bother to bother! hang in there girl!
Logan, I just want you to know that I’m here. whatever you need. however God moves you to lead this team of curious God-readers and bloggers, i’m standing and praying with you arm-in-arm. stride-for-stride. blessings and prayers dear sister, because no matter what God does, you’ve already made a difference in my life with your book.
thank you sister…just a million thanks!
I’m praying for you, Logan. Less than two weeks after I self published my little book, my dad died. It’s been a year and a half now, and I’m just beginning to function well in my new normal. In the days and weeks following my heartbreak, I received emails, social media messages, and phone calls from friends and readers quoting sections of my book back to me. It made my stomach churn, but through it all I’ve learned this: It’s sweet confirmation to realize the words we thought came from our hearts actually came from the heart of God to strengthen us when we need it most and to remind us of how much we need Him.
I’m praying for your health and your book launch. May grace, health, and peace abound, as His wisdom guides every step.
Love,
Jennifer Kostick
PS: I never sent the book I promised after you read my rough draft. I’m so sorry about that. See… I’m just coming back into clarity of thought.
girl….not to sound trite, but the struggle is SO REAL! I am so so sorry about your Daddy. just so sorry. thank you for your encouragement and understanding…I’m beyond thankful that the Lord gives us the wise words of the body of Christ to help carry one another along.
Wonderful way to articulate the hard of living what you believe. Living it with you!
Logan, oh, how I appreciate your bold faith, your gutsy honesty, and your rock-bottom belief in our living, incomprehensible God. I love that you digested your own words again and have found them to be true.
I read this post earlier today. I had to digest it…while my heart hurt for your disappointment, I was encouraged that the words you wrote still spoke to you. They mattered and made a difference to you even now…long after you first penned them.
You make me think, Logan. Thank you. And I am praying for the results of your blood work.
Hugs my friend.
I have not written a book – yet. However, I absolutely know of this path and pain of which you speak. I am so sorry for the hard things you are going through. Thanks for sharing them. Can’t wait to read your book!
I love your raw honesty. I love your courage. I love the pics you post after losing a duel to large biopsy needles, I love “Lawd Hammercy”. Hang in there friend. He loves you too. Keep writing. Keep curious. Just keep keeping on. You may not be blazing a trail on a mountain but you are a trail blazer none the less. X0 Cindy
Touching words, Logan.
2016 will be just as challenging as 2015….keep your eyes and heart focused and march on!
Logan – I gain a lot from reading your words of truth and honesty. We each have our own hurdles to climb in life and our God knows what we are able to endure. I have used the words of Jeremiah 29:11 countless times over the past thirteen-plus years of my life to remind myself that His plans are better than any we might imagine.
I also have found the following prayer to be helpful: “God, I give myself to you this day, to build with me and to do with me as You will. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I might better do Your will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them might bear witness to Your power, Your love, and Your way of life. May I do your will always.”
I am looking forward to reading your book when it is finally released and rest assured that your words will touch the lives of many more than you might ever fathom.
thank you so so much! You know what I love most about Jeremiah 29:11 is that the words of “I know the plans…to prosper you” are actually given to the Israelites WHILE they are in exile! In his kindness, the Lord speaks of hope and future while we are smack in the muck and mire! Thanks for your encouragement!
The warfare is real. This I know. The things that come up — right before a manuscript deadline or right before a book launch — are truly unbelievable. Thank you for sharing these words. Your battle is real, which tells me the words you’ve written are real too, and they must be shared. I’m curious about “Curious Faith” and can’t wait to read it and share. 🙂
I’m praying for you, friend.
Denise
Love you sister! As always..your words are such balm!
Dear Logan, Jesus came into our world in a stable being used as a birthing room! A hay bale instead of a birthing couch. He knows “messed up” and I believe He understands and actually smiles when we understand. (Ps 1119:130)
I’m on the untidy journey with you. Thank you for the honesty to tell us what is going on in your head and heart.
With love, prayers and Shalom, Mrs. B
We are all in this together huh?!
Logan, I am in the process of writing my first book. Many tears there and so much pain in revealing the innermost parts of ourselves! Yes, writing for Jesus is my desire but I can imagine how it can be bittersweet to consume the truth you shared for others and it’s meant for you as well. Such beauty there Logan! Great love from our Savior! Know this, your words that hurt your heart are building up many that are confused in this time and place in their life! Clinging to the same hope today! My Jesus I know is going to create such beauty in you during this trial of Lupus. I’m so sorry for the tests. So sorry for the struggle. Don’t let it steal the incredible joy of this time for you! I can’t wait to read and share youR book!!! Praying for you Logan!
Thank you Jenny! You know, as I am encouraged and simultaneously punched in the gut by my own words, I am totally reminded of the faithfulness of the Lord to show up over and over! Thanks for your encouragement today too!
Logan, I want to thank you for your courage to share honestly from your heart. I’ve also had the experience of reading what I wrote to remind myself what God has taught me. I feel like such a hypocrite sometimes; still struggling with the same issues I’m writing my book about. I love how you pointed out that God will test us to see if we really meant what we said. Your transparency encourages me to also be brave as I face my messy life in the light of God’s truth. Bless you. I’m praying for your health and hoping for answers and healing for you.
~ Elizabeth
Thank you Elizabeth!!!
praying for you sweets… God is working mightily through you.
I LOVE…how you write…so honest and open…
I pray Logan, for the Lord to show HImself strong to you in a MIghty way…totally unexpectedly..He is a awesome God of surprises…So Faithful and Merciful when our hearts are searching desperately for a word from Him.
I pray that whatever God allows you to walk through, you will be strong and courageous!
I Love this verse…always keeps me focused!
Isaiah 26:3
You will keep him in perfect Peace…whose mind is stayed on Thee because he trusted in You..
Much Love to youMary Miller
Have a Happy New Year!!!
Thank you Mary! I feel confident that He will show up in a mighty way…in our weakness he is made strong! Super encouraged by you!
I really, really loved this post because I could have written the very same words myself. I too have struggled with living inside and trusting Gods plans, including having my health brought down to an amazingly low point…and it really stunk…badly. I could share some verse God gave me through that, but now wouldn’t be a good time but please know that no matter what, He won’t just drop you!! I believe that when God inspires us to write about His power and His truths, that the words taken down are from His heart as long as they line up with scriptures. It might be unfair to say that an author should master what God gives them to share before sharing it, because I believe God inspires our words for others as a way to also inspire ourselves. The learning and lessons go both ways. And what a joy to know that an author is so honest that she can admit that she is having to learn and relearn all that God has giver her to share in her book. I’m sure it would be resonable to say that most people would rather learn along side some who knows the truth, but is still in the processes of mastering ….just. Like. All. Of. Us. I’m sure that when the prophets wrote out the scriptures that they too had stomach wrenching moments when they looked at their God inspired words and had to make continual readjustments in their own lives as they learned and relearned over and over what it meant to live a life submitted to our Messaih. Take heart dear one…don’t let our enemy deceive you into thinking you must have a margin of perfection to share what God inspires through you!! We all walk together… 🙂 May the peace of God wrap His mighty arms around you and may His presence fill you with great joy in the midst of so many storms!!!
Alex, thank you for such an encouraging word! you know, when it comes to living redeemed in a broken world, I’m pretty sure that we never fully master anything…but in his kindness the Lord just keeps growing and shaping us along the way! We are all in these trenches together sister pulling one another up along the way!
Psalm 84:11 The Lord God is a sun and shield, He will give grace and glory. No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.
So thankful that God is using you for His glory and purpose! I’m grateful He gave you the courage to enter the “battlefield”, not only for your sake, but for those your words and wisdom are impacting…….for ME! Thank you for being a blunt, comical, spunky, transparent vessel for all of us to see, hear and know God in a greater more intimate way! You’re labor is not in vain and Gods Word never returns void!
Joshua 1:8 Let not this Book of the Law depart from your mouth, meditate on it day and night, observe to do according to all that is written in it, then you will make your way prosperous, then you will have great success.
Donna! Super encouraged by you and I just love the verses you shared! Truth never does disappoint does it?!
I do expect that this “dang book” will be the prescription that I need. I am looking forward to it’s release with great anticipation.
Praying for you, and your family today. Lupus has an ugly, raw, and scary stigma associated with it. I am praying for strength in the midst of fear, and uncertainty. God bless you- as you bless others.
thank you so much Marcie!
Hi Logan!
I just listened to your interview with Jamie Ivey on the Happy Hour, and loved it, so I popped over here to check things out. The book sounds amazing- literally can’t wait to read it. Although I’m new to your story, I just had to say that I’m so sorry about this change of plans. This Fall has been a season of weird botched plans and some deep disappointment for me, and as an Interior Designer who is spending most of her time advocating for struggling women (see my website), your story here really resonates.
Well, not a lot to say here- maybe this is a weird kind of hello and introduction that only podcasts and blogs can facilitate- but I just had to comment with compassion and some encouragement, from someone else in the trenches, to hang in there! We used to live in North Carolina but are now in Denver- so feel free to come climb a mountain with me here anytime 🙂
Looking forward to seeing great things unfold for you!
One of my dearest friends just moved to Denver!!! And my publisher is in the Springs, so CO is on my travel plans the next few years! Thanks so much for your encouragement and I’m so glad you popped by! Always so nice to know we aren’t alone in this crazy life!